And Now For Something Completetly Different

“The moment that you feel that, just possibly, you’re walking down the street naked, exposing too much of your heart and your mind and what exists on the inside, showing too much of yourself. That’s the moment you may be starting to get it right.” - Neil Gaiman

I read this quote on Timothy Ferris's blog, who is the closest thing I have to an idol. He's a cool dude with several great books. 

Anyway on this blog I've deliberately shied away from writing things of a personal nature. Arguably such posts are useless. Almost everything I've written so far has been informative; reviews. But recently my head has been fucked up and why not write out down for others to read? Apparently some people find it cathartic and I've found that writing my thoughts down on pen and paper is helpful. I'll try and make this as non ranting as possible and as comprehensive so you won't have to read too much of this shit.

Communication

• When I was a teenager I developed bad speech habits; mumbling, talking too fast and poor pronunciation. Whenever I dared to speak people wouldn't understand me, I'd feel even worse and not want to talk again. I more or less fixed the problem over the years by learning to speak clearer. Now in Singapore I'm having a similar problem; people can't understand my accent. My grandma can barely understand me which makes expressing more than a sentence impossible. Its compounded when I mess up my speech e.g. stutter. Its extremely mentally tiring to constantly talk slowly with exaggerated enunciation. I try so hard but some people still miss 20%+ of what I say the first time.  I hate it and there is nothing I can do, it makes me not want to talk at all.

Job search and visa issues

• I'm living in Singapore just now. My work holiday visa expires on December 19th. I have until January 19th at latest to find a job here otherwise I have to leave. I don't want to leave, I rather like Singapore. If I don't find a job I plan to move to New Zealand with what meagre savings I have. At most I will be able to stay there for 2 months.
• If I fail there then I will have to go back to Scotland. I really don't want to go back there. I like this independence, I like the weather, I love the food. I think Britain is a bit of a shit hole with a fucked up government, awful weather, bad food and ugly women. Yes I do have great friends and a family I love in Scotland, but I never want to live in the UK again. I'm scared of going back. My great grandma was born in India and moved to South East Asia. My grandma was born in Malaysia and moved to Singapore. My mum moved from Singapore to the UK, as did my aunt. My other aunt moved to America. My mum's family has a history of daring to explore. I want that for myself.
• The job search is stressing me out, something I haven't really felt before and I'm afraid. Part of me wants to fail and just go back home and play video games all day, be with my family, be with people who can understand my accent!

Work

• The company I work for is pretty awful. There is a laundry list of problems here, from German HQ not treating Singapore with respect, to horrible IT infrastructure, to poor interdepartment communication. My problem is that I don't think anybody here likes me. In my paranoia that becomes I know nobody likes me. I don't go to lunch and tend to avoid interacting with most employees. I know for certain that some of them really struggle to understand my speech. I know for certain that one of my colleagues is an utter cunt and I have gleefully imagined her in pain. The vice president is full of hot air. The rest of them tolerate me at best. I only like my boss, who is great and I've learnt a lot from. 
• My colleagues regularly speak Chinese around me, which is of course completely acceptable. However it immediately removes me from the conversation, at which point I can either choose to feel awkward or withdraw myself. I planned to take Chinese lessons if I was in Singapore longer.
• In the last few months I was super motivated and happy because I was doing valuable work for my boss. I was working towards being contract staff, with more responsibility, a significantly higher salary and a visa so I could continue to stay in Singapore. Now I find out that the best they can offer me is further intern work which means the same pay (1200 SGD a month), the same responsibilities and no visa. My motivation has completely evaporated. Why am I wasting time for this shitty company? The only reason I'm continuing to work here is for my boss and another colleague I'm supporting. If my boss didn't exist I would probably not turn up to work and collect my pay cheque until the day they fired me.
• I will give my boss a gift for being so great and then I'm outta here. I don't care if they have some kind of going away ceremony, I won't be attending.