Thursday, August 7

Missing Pieces

I'm reading Haruki Murakami’s book Kafka On The Shore. It’s a captivating and bloody weird book. One part in particular draws my attention. In it our 15 year old antagonist (Kafka) sees the ‘ghost’ of a 15 year old girl and falls in love. He finds the spirit of this girl in a 50 year old lady. The ‘ghost’ is in fact the 15 year old version of this older woman. Kafka is able to form a short, intense, messed up relationship with this lady. Whatever it is, it’s love. Why does this series of events captivate me?

Kafka is able to find ‘true’ love, find a girl whom he treasures, a girl who makes him both nervous and joyous at the sight of her. Although this is a novel, and fiction often idealises various concepts and themes, I find my life lacking in ‘love’ and Kafka On The Shore only illuminated this fact. You see while I have no problem finding dates, or women to talk to, I've never felt any real connection to them. In a woman I implicitly want a sense of humour, good looks, intelligence, a love of food, is physically active, travelled, passionate and is emotionally stable. The majority of women don’t have these traits. The majority of women are complete bores. Despite my apparent high standards, there was one exception, my ex from Singapore who I dated for about a year.

She met many of my implicit criteria, but she had noticeable flaws. For instance she was deeply religious, yet ignorant of many religious themes. She couldn't accept that her job was making her miserable, and that she should move on to something that made her happy. I broke up with her because I was in New Zealand, and her Singapore, and long distance relationships don’t work. Despite these incompatibilities, and the uncertainty of our suitability long term, I loved her with all my heart. It didn't make sense to me on any level, yet there it was, she was the only girl I've ever loved. I still think of her a lot, and until recently made a concerted effort to regularly talk to her and try to be part of her life. For now I've given up on communicating with her, because it was a one sided exchange.

There is an idealised vision in my head of what I want from a women but I'm not sure where to find such a creature, or even if they exist. I think part of the problem stems from who I am, since it forms the basis of what I want from a partner. I'm somebody that 3 years ago (at the age of 21) was overweight, ill kempt, a kiss less virgin, clinically anxious and depressed, on anti-depressants, had suicidal thoughts, regularly saw a therapist, didn't talk to family and had no friends. Now I'm somebody that has been described as social, talkative, awesome, confident, funny, well dressed, handsome, “kindness”, thin, sweet and caring. I have a great job where I earn over 150% of the average wage in New Zealand, I live in a cool city and regularly socialise. In my spare time just now I read, do yoga, learn Chinese and dance salsa. I love comedy and have an extremely dark sense of humour. So despite my shitty adolescence, by most accounts, I'm completely normal now. Sometimes I still feel broken, and that I'm just wearing a fantastical mask that other people can't see through. So are there any women that have had a similar journey to mine, the same fucked up journey that made me become the person I am today?

The answer is: sort of. I occasionally meet crazy girls who have trod similar paths. It’s easy to identify them because of how open they are about the shit that happened in their lives. I've only dated two of these girls (one a Scot and one a Kiwi) and both of them were pretty, had amazing sense of humour, were passionate, intelligent etc. Unfortunately I couldn't keep either of them and both of them had lingering problems like self-harming. As amazing as these girls were, their instability made me think it would never work long term.

So where does that leave me? Basically as a spoilt, highly egotistical man who can’t find a woman to meet all his criteria, and on the occasions he does, loses her. I'm worried that I'm fundamentally too broken to ever find a woman I click with. I'm worried that I'll drift through life unable to have a meaningful relationship with a female.

In short; GG. No love for this broken clock.